“Good Girl Gone Great Woman” by @BrookeGotuHookd
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” — Phillipians 4:7
I wish i cculd sometimes get the world to understand my struggle. I never cared enough to let anyone see past my smile because my main objective in life was to keep the good times rolling. Oh and did they come rolling in alright! I lost myself in it all. I gave into the world, and let them have joy while I would go home many nights and cry myself to sleep.
The tears that are strolling in now are a different type of tear, however. I left God’s side for so long, and just remained content in being lost because I was so focused on myself and I continued to attempt to find that in not only the men I came in contact with, but the friendships I kept close as well.
I’ve never known the world to be so cold. In high school, I was the “token black girl” (as opposed to Hampton, where I was often times perceived as a dumb blonde) Everyone loved me, just as I loved everyone else. Life was a big party for the most part. By junior year, “love” became more important to find, and I lost a great sense of myself in trying to hold onto it — which was reflected in my grades, as well as my behavior.
It all started junior after Martin Luther King High School’s Winter Formal; I had wanted to attend the dance with my ex from sophomore year, but settled for a friend of his who asked me to the dance instead. It was my very first time. I had no idea what it would feel like, and I had no idea it would be so much fun! The boys would look at me to see if I would give in, but I already knew my own thirst. And boy was it REAL! A few Smirnoff wine coolers to ignite the night! Nothing that could really hurt a young 15 year old girl :) My guy friends would joke with me as they yelled, “Peer Pressureeee!”
But it was no real pressure from them. It was all jokes and laughs. Until I decided to finally give into the pressures in my own head. And I must admit. That feeling of being drunk! It made the party THAT much better. Although, another guy friend of mine was continuously attempting to lure me over that entire night. I didn’t give in, and that next Monday at school he would write me a letter indicating his love for me. I wasn’t buying into it though. That was my friend, who had already expressed his love for another friend, and anyways, he wasn’t even my type. In my polite attempt to tell him, “No, Im staying a virgin until marriage,” he’d stare me dead in the windows of my soul and say, “ha! not at the rate you’re going!!”
I let that stick with me for a long time as i continued to enjoy the roller coasters of life. The boy I wanted, still didn’t want me, but I always had my eye on another boy since the seventh grade so I kept myself distracted through him. We became best friends. Until he got a girlfriend, of course. Thats when things got tricky.
This boy would show me endless love. I settled for the title of “best friend” and, for the most part, stayed in my lane. Though I knew something inside of me wanted more. And I knew I had something he needed, but for someone reason, he wouldn’t accept my offer. We grew apart some throughout the course of senior year, though we were still able to remain friends through it all. I was the happiest girl in the world when he decided to ask me to go to Winter Formal with him senior year. I was so excited; and I had just got my braces off so my smile was brighter than ever. Until our song came on at the dance. I was busy taking our student government picture and rushed to find him afterwards. He was busy running around trying to find my teammate, who he would eventually run off with later that night after fornicating with her in my brother’s bedroom. I couldn’t understand how he would bring himself to call me his best friend, yet still treat me in this way. I was devastated. But I could see the hurt in him, and something in me wanted to help even more. So I wrapped my mind around him, befriended him still. In doing so, I continued to stray away from myself as I searched to find the love this boy needed. I searched for answers, thinking I’d be able to find the message in a bottle of vodka. I failed the test over and over again. Which is why, I now can succeed.
I could tell you the rest of the story, though its not as pretty as the picture I make it out to be. But thats pretty much where my understanding ends. I lost my purpose in another individual, knowing the hurt that he suffered. I was willing to go so far as to give him my body, in hopes to give him a better spirit. And though we had some almost cases, he respected me enough not to give in. In my own misunderstanding, I continuously hurt myself.
See, as women, we posses a natural sense of nurture and care. I was willing to put myself aside in so many cases to understand the pain of another individual. And, in my desire to help him, I couldn’t see how helpless i was myself. I lost my sense of direction in a lost boy, who knew that sex would hurt our friendship, so he let me go. And it hurt so bad at the time, but hey… it was high school and I was going all the way to Hampton, VA on a full athletic scholarship to receive a college education.
My college experience is one for the BOOKS! Literally :)
I can honestly say I’m getting back to myself, despite everything that keeps trying to knock me down. It’s a lonely place out here, and a tough road to travel, but at least the path is already paved. I understand now, that as a woman, my divine love is enough. My friendship. My kindness. My smile. It’s enough to heal the world. It’s a warm feeling to know that I’m not the only girl in the world like me. I’ve found my purpose as a woman, and it rests in the ability to care so much. For my God, for myself, and for a world of individuals who are out in the world hurting, just like I was.
Learn to get back to that girl ladies, she is still there. Even in the eyes of my 81 year old grandmother, who thinks she is still my age! Haha :) It’s okay to love. But be conscious of who you give your body to because a broken spirit spreads faster than any racing sperm or std. Walk in the spirit of Love, speak with a spirit of kindness, and don’t allow the spirit of fear to guide your every move. Let God define who you are so that all you gotta do is chill … and just let everything fall into place.
Don’t believe me? Just watch.